Hello everyone,
I will tell you my story the way
you fall asleep slowly and then all at once.
I will tell you bits and pieces
and as time goes by and I remember more I’ll tell you. When I was thinking of
where to start I thought of the first problem I had that really effected how I would/
will live my life. The first of my many problems my anxiety. I have generalized
anxiety disorder and panic disorder, and some doctors think I have a touch of
PTSD. I can’t really remember a time in my life when I didn’t have anxiety. My first
anxiety attack that I can remember was when I was little. My mom had just put
me to bed and went upstairs to massage my aunt ( my mom was a massage
therapist) and after she left my heart started pounding and a sense of overwhelming
dred came over me and I ran upstairs and started crying to my mom. I don’t really
remember how she calmed me down though I just remember how the attack felt. I know
I had anxiety before then but to me it felt like it started there and I never
really stopped. But my anxiety like all of my medical problems are a part of me
and I wouldn’t change that because that would change me.
My anxiety came and went thought-out
my life it came in waves of months sometimes years. When I started public
school in 4th grade (my mom had homeschooled me before then) my
anxiety started to come back really bad. I remember telling lies to my teacher
when I first started school so she would let me go home. But looking back on it
now they were ridicules lies and no wonder she didn’t believe me. Examples: I need to go to the hospital because
my heart was pounding or my mom told me to call her at every recess. But I now
part of that was regular anxiety from starting school. But to me starting
school was the event that started my anxiety again.
By 6th grade I had a
hard time controlling it. I was seeing a therapist regularly and was on a
couple of different medications for it. But between, therapy, med and the
relaxation exercises nothing seemed to help. I would have horrible panic
attacks at school all the time I got better at hiding them or taking my meds
when I felt them come on. But having panic attacks at school is an awful thing.
I remember in 9th grade my English teacher called me stupid in front
of the whole class and I know that as harsh but I was older and I should have
been able to handle it better. What I ended up doing was crying in the bathroom
and calling my mom to pick me up. I was really lucky though because in my next
class my French teacher was sweet and understanding. She didn’t ask what was
wrong she just hugged me and said it would be okay. My English teacher was told
to apologize but I didn’t want to see her and my mom didn’t really want me to
either (mamma bear came out) so I moved to a different English teacher for the
year.
When I finally went to cottonwood
high school I went wanting to be different. But with the stress of being in high
school and me already having anxiety disorders I wasn’t able to be different,
in fact my attacks seem to be getting worse. I rode the bus to school every day
and every day as soon as I got on the bus I started to panic I would take
pills, try to talk myself down but nothing seemed to work. And every day my mom
would have to come get me and take me home. It finally got to the point that I couldn’t
go anymore so my mom and I found an online school and it was such a relief. For
people with any type of anxiety disorder to try online school. Unfortunately for
me it didn’t work only because I was a procrastinator and then my grades
started slipping which led to more anxiety. But at the same time my grandmother
(who help raise me) was very sick in the hospital at the time which gave me
more anxiety. I remember this awful between time where online school wasn’t working,
my grandma was in the hospital and I didn’t know what to do and it made my generalized
anxiety much worse. But then my aunt told my mom and I about a program where if
I took night classes for 30 days and then took all four GED test I could have
my high school diploma. I could feel it this would be the end I would get
better and I would graduate.
While I was in the processes of
signing up though tragedy struck my family and it struck hard. My uncle passed
away and then within hours my grandmother did as well. It hit me hard the
morning that I found out I couldn’t hear anything my ears were ringing. People kept
getting me food but I couldn’t eat I felt bad they were spending their money
but I felt like I would throw up if I ate. And the week with all my family over
and the funeral arrangements I felt like I was in a daze. The next week is when
I would be starting my online classes and I didn’t feel like I could do it. I couldn’t
go to class because I was crying all the time I couldn’t learn I could barely
speak. But I knew I had to do this I needed to get this done so that I could
move on with my life my grandma wouldn’t have wanted me to not go. And with the
help of my mom and my step dad I was able to graduate and finally put high
school behind me. After my grandma died I never thought I would move on from
that I didn’t think I could but I did. And things started to get better I graduated
got my first job, and met my fiancée.
We kind of have difference of opinion
on how we met. He remembers talking to me on our break during black Friday (his
first day) but I weirdly don’t remember that I remember was talking to him a
bit later when it was slower at the store and I remember thinking he’s the one
for me. And I was so shy I didn’t ask for his number and when his shift ended I
remember thinking what if I never see him again he was a seasonal employee. I was
sad and all I could think about was him. I sang this Taylor swift song over and
over again on the way home from work that night. But luckily that was just the beginning
of our love story.
So with my next post I will
continue with my story about my anxiety (a lot happens in the next 3 years of
my life with my anxiety) and I will tell you more about my wonderful fiancée. I
didn’t want to get too long winded. And I’ll also try to post some great anxiety
reducing exercises I have learned too.
From the girl who has everything ~ I’m
into something
good here.
(I like to do little song/ song
quotes)
This night is sparkling don’t you
let it go; I’m wonderstruck blushing all the way home. I’ll spend forever
wondering if you knew. I was enchanted to meet you. ~ Taylor Swift Enchanted
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